Jae-Zraela

I don't want him back.

I just found out that in the last month we were together he cheated on me.

And what's funny is he always talked about how immoral and wrong he thought it was. He was so honorable and wonderful and. . . well, I don't know what's happened to him.

He says he's in love with this new girl. Well, good for her.

I'm still gonna try to better myself. But I have nothing to prove to him.

I forgive him, though. I don't want any ill will between us, and I still want to be friends.

Now I know what he meant when he said he was conflicted. . . he really needs someone to talk to. I just wish he knew that I could be there for him, as a friend.

It's fun.

Right now I'm trying to plan out how to make this corset-like top thing. The last time I made something similar, I got the breast area a bit odd. I want it to be perfect, and I don't want to waste fabric, but panicking over it is keeping me from actually doing it.

I should just say "screw it!" and do it anyway.

I'm almost done with this removable hood for a jacket, though. I'll post it once I've finished.

It happens every time I think about him. And I don't know if he's over me or not, he won't say.

Oh God, I still love him so much. And I totally understand why he left me. It's because I was cold. I was spiteful. I was wrapped up in what a failure I was and there was nothing positive about me. I forgot my principals. I forgot what made me who I was. He says he feels our relationship died slowly.

Looking back I can see it all, and I want to change, not just to see if maybe he will take me back, but for myself.

I feel nervous and restless and rushed.

His schedule is all booked up, all the time too. He spends 4 nights a week doing Dagorhir and works 5 days a week. I want to talk to him.

I know he can't take me back until I become a happier, more fulfilled person. I know every time he looks at me he's feeling the sting of some cold words I spoke to him a few months ago.

I asked him if he thought what we had was real love, he said yes. I asked him if he thinks true love lasts forever. . . he said yes. . . He says he's still in love with the girl I was when we first met. Sometimes I think he acts like she's dead or something. He loved me so unconditionally and so fully and truly and I just took it for granted and walked all over him.

The thought that he might never want me back is the scariest thing.

I try to have hope, I guess. I want to be happy by December 2nd. That's my goal.

Happiness is a state of mind and an attitude that I used to have. It can be mine again.

So I'm finally getting more serious about writing my novel . . . still in the ideas phase, but at least I have the main tone/execution style/messages planned out. Aside from that I have a very basic plot and a few character sketches (metaphorically speaking), but no real series of events yet (am I doing this in weird order?).

I went to the library today and picked up 2 books on the Civil War (the novel is historical fiction). I need to do some research on the culture of the time if I'm not going to look like a dumb ass when I write it. I picked up Mary Chestnut's Civil War and The Civil War Notebook of Daniel Chisholm. The first is a journal written by the wife of a high ranking member of confederate government, and it talks about both everyday life as well as the effects of the war and actions of the high ranking members of society. The author was a feminist and an abolitionist, and was famous for saying, "There is no slave after all like a wife." The second I picked up because I want to familiarize myself with the speech patterns/accents of people from that time period, so I can write them more convincingly.

I used to hate American history too, until I took that class last semester. Mr. Billingsley was passionate about it, and I think it rubbed off on the students. He made it more exciting than just names and dates--we actually got to talk about issues of the time period, and we learned about the history from little told view points. It was a great class.

Hopefully my research will pay off.

This whole thing is really bringing me up. Right now the fact that I'm quitting my job makes me feel more empowered and take-charge than something sadder; more like opening a door than shutting one.